Forgiveness
How do we forgive? Not in words or out of obligation but really, truly forgive from somewhere deep within ourselves?
I remember someone told me love is an action not a feeling. It’s a daily choice we make towards those around us regardless of how we feel, like setting the compass to true north no matter the weather. Perhaps forgiveness is similar.
It is something we choose, not something we feel.
“A deliberate act of love that leads to a deeper connection with God.”
It’s midnight exactly and I had to take a break from building this nightmarish piece of furniture I ordered from Amazon to cry and forgive someone. Someone who deserves forgiveness in my life.
They have made things difficult for me in many ways, have destroyed my character to others, painted pictures of me that are far from the truth and affected my peace of mind. It is easy to be Christlike when there’s no skin in the game. But when someone gets too close, when it gets personal, I am not proud of how petty and how defensive I can become.
I was walking earlier today asking God why. Has it not been enough? Can things not be simple for a while? I don’t want to alchemize the dynamics around me, I don’t want to constantly seek Him in these interpersonal difficulties. I’m tired of dealing with the brokenness. To be frank, I’m sick of it. Sick of the walk. The wilderness. The loneliness that often comes with following Him.
Sometimes it feels like the more I follow His word, the more I have to deal with utter BS.
I guess the truth in that is, the more I follow Him, the more I have to face my own humanity. I have to stare in the mirror and sometimes, depending on the situation, I don’t like the person staring back at me.
This last year has been a deep meditation on forgiveness. Not performative forgiveness, not the forgiveness that earns validation from your peers and pats you on the back for your high road. No. I’m talking real forgiveness, the kind of forgiveness that feels like it’s stretching you from the inside out. Dying to your flesh, on your knees, “take this from me Lord” kind of forgiveness. A divine battle with my own will and judgement.
And tonight, in front of a piece of cheap plywood holding the drill I should by no means be allowed to operate, I came to a place of peace with it. To forgive is to understand. You cannot hate that which you truly understand. It is not a battle for forgiveness but a battle against your own assumptions and projections. A battle to strip your own pain and ego from the situation and see it for what it truly is.
“We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” - Anaïs Nin
I think, for one of the first times in my life, the cerebral understanding I held for a situation made its way to my heart. The anger and pain and resentment I felt dissolved into a deep sense of love and yes, understanding. And through that understanding, I began to see myself too. Not as I want to be seen, but as I am. Just as broken and just as deserving of love and forgiveness.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
